He had a scar across his face that stretched from his left eye to the left side of his mouth. It looked as if he had a demented smile. The scar is deep and had ridges in which you could tell someone had gone over it with a knife a few times. This Mans name was David E. Buck. He was tall and thick from years of military training and working out. He had jet black hair that was cut in a high and tight fashion. He was a strong man with a strong personality. Always serious never emotional, A hard ass I kind of thought to myself. I was interviewing him for my job as a reporter for CNN. He began by telling me how he had got his scar. They had just flown him to Pakistan for a mission briefing they where recovering prisoners from a Pakistan prison camp. They had set off on their mission when they got into the prison camp someone had been spotted and sounded the alarm. Everyone was surrounded by guards and taken out. Dave being in the shadows watched his colleagues die one by one. He then was found by a man. David had said his name was Alack. Alack was darker skinned with a burn on the right side of his face we where a long robe and always carried what looked like a silver plated AK-47. Alack was missing his two lower fingers. Dave was pretty sure they had been severed with a knife. Alack was a cold and hostile man, but there was something about David that we wanted to keep him alive. I think it was to how much torture this one man could take. Dave began telling me of how he was beaten daily with the butt of a gun. He went weeks without food and days without water. They where trying to physical destroy this mans physic. He was electrocuted on numerous occasions and was beat profusely. David lost a lot of energy and hope everyday he had been there but Alack slipped up one day. Alack had went to the prisons bathroom and left his gun on a table near Davids cell. David grabbed the gun and threw a bullet into the chamber. He then had the guard unlock the chamber. When the guard looked away David takes the guards knife and makes a nice clean cut across the guard’s neck. He then took the guards clothes and heads to take out the rest before Alack returned from the restroom. He took out the other two guards and finds Alack coming from the bathroom. He shot Alack twice one in each leg. Walked to Alack who had cut his face to mark him as his when he first went into the prison camp. Found himself starring at the end of a knife headed right for his. David cut From Alack’s left eye down to the mouth and back up to his right eye leaving a almost sickening scar across Alacks face. He then shot Alack in the arms and stomach so Alack death would have been slow. Dave then rescues the surviving prisoners from the camp and returns to an American military base. He was sent back to the United States and was Honored for his acts of Courage, Valor and, being a true military hero.

Kipp, I really like the characters in this - they have a lot of potential. However, you are trying to fit WAY too much stuff in a tiny portion. How could you condense this to make it more descriptive and concise?
ReplyDeleteAlso - make sure that you keep the tense the same throughout. IE - "Kipp went to the fridge: vs. "Kipp walks to the frigde." Make sense?